Curse the stars
by angelovelies
Summary: Natsume hurt and a comfort kind of thing. Bittersweet stuff. Smut. Mainly focused on Natsume.


Natsume is nineteen & Mikan is seventeen. Some _italics_ are thoughts.

Warnings: Amateur writer, no beta reader so its probably filled with errors so please minimize grammar critiques and you know how I never actually edit it straight away and stuff, point it out to me nicely. Set in Alice Academy grounds, after at least ten years where the anime got off.

* * *

It was one of those fucking nights. Where he'd find himself lying on the roof, throwing curses at the stars. He was always that black sheep or rather – the black cat, either way still befitting. First class trained assassin, playing his role in the dark side of the Academy, just another puppet the ESP can play with. His alice of fire, was his gift and his curse. Dodging bullets since he was seven, setting fires to enemy buildings and killing corporate strangers, they only gave him a name with a picture, never the reason why he needed to kill them. Either way, he was given no choice. See, our favourite pyromaniac was not heartless, having Ruka as his best mate since he could remember, he was still sane, his spirit still fought Persona and the ESP, with every mission, his desire to retaliate increased. Still, he was only human, his guilt, his heart, his body – sometimes, like tonight, couldn't fucking fathom, the screams and bloodless faces of his victims caught up with him, he never fought it, he welcomed them very much, he wasn't heartless, a little punishment does his soul a little lift. Tonight though, he was at his limit, his spirit was tired of fighting the academy, he rarely talks to Ruka nowadays, he was like his connection with the normal world, his public façade, the side of him that made him feel human. He was losing it, though he never cried, he never complains, no one fucking knew, no one fucking knew what he was going through, they knew what it looks like, it was obvious he was doing the dirty work of the academy but they don't know how it fucking feels, they can say it's sad and all but it doesn't make a difference, does it? They can say it must be horrible or some sort of consolations but it doesn't change that he's fucking hurting now, does it? It's very comical; he's just one of those hero characters that you need to actually walk a mile in his shoes to actually know what it's like. He fucking hates it.

Sometimes, like tonight. He takes deep breaths and lie, just to drown himself in the sea of stars above him. Always from somewhere high, tonight, he was on the roof. He couldn't fucking fathom how his life was simply just fucked up from the day he was born, he couldn't stand it, though his head was in a frenzy his face remained stoic and expressionless. He'd always mutter curses at the stars, he'd whisper mindless stories of his missions and the people he fought, he was in this love hate relationship with the stars, he loved talking to them – just for the heck of it, it seemed like they were listening, he'd made a habit of it, it's been years and he'd realize if anyone saw him dorking around lying and talking to the sky he'd be labeled a crazy person, not that he'd stop to give a fuck but after years and suddenly realizing - he'd also came to hate them, the stars, they were merciless, how they knew what he'd done, how they knew of his past and current state, how they bloody knew his tortured heart and they continuously blink and twinkle without a care in the world. He has no reason of living, he couldn't find one, he simply couldn't fathom, couldn't understand breathing without reason, living without purpose, it was one of those fucking nights.

Tonight was different, it was extra torturous, he wasn't on the roof because he had a quick bedtime mission, he was up because he saw _her_. He ran into her that morning. Pretty lady with a pair of hazel orbs. Lovely figure and lushes hair. _Sakura_. It's been years, he's shut her off from his life. He lost her like he's losing Ruka right now. He was probably crazy but it had to be done, no one should even be part of his darkness. She got too close, always searching for him, always making light of his existence, always making his presence important, she was dangerous. He was simply an insecure fuck. He was scared. The way she says his name, like he's some kind of hero that bloody saved her life, she made a bloody murderer feel special, she was different from any girl he talked to, he felt pathetic being with her, ashamed even. The stars were merciless, she wasn't, she accepted him, all of him, his darkness, offered her light, her eyes were filled with mercy, kindness pouring in every word she uttered, readily she showered him with emotions he couldn't accommodate, she did magic, to simply put. Effortlessly she undid the strings of his heart. He crumbled, for whatever reason he didn't understand, it was weird, he ended up crying a lot when he told her to never speak to him again. That was the past, she's now a part of his past, probably the only parts he actually learned to cherish. He was suffocating, usually, there'd be a tight lid on his memories of Sakura Mikan but he was too lost in misery to keep fighting, he'd stop trying to find reasons.

It was getting cold, too cold for him atleast, he needed to go somewhere, anywhere, he needed to stop what he was doing, it was too depressing even for him, he needed to get away, he jumped from the roof down to the nearest tree, skilled assassin leaping branches to branches and down the academy streets, he walked down, hands inside the front pockets of his jacket. Cold, it felt too fucking cold, it was killing him. He needed to get away, his thoughts were evil, he couldn't, he wasn't able to, he found no reason to fight, he was hitting rock bottom, his bloody thoughts wouldn't stop. He shut his eyes and walked a bit faster down the academy streets, trying to find a reason to continue breathing, trying to figure out a life line, trying to find a destination. _Fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fuck-_

All of a sudden he stopped – his feet stopped strutting, he felt something, he knocked someone, he could barely notice it but he felt something indefinitely, his eyes adjusted and searched the ground. The stars, that night, it was already cold as death – he cursed his fate, his life it was fucking cruel, he was already feeling 20 feet under and the person he saw was none other than his precious living sign of mercy. His breath hitched, his face always stoic, the blood in his face gone.

* * *

"Ooof."

Mikan on the floor, she felt like someone punched her. She was out for a walk, she couldn't sleep, her thoughts were always wandering. It took her a moment to register what had happened and why she was on the ground. She stood up and saw none other than Natsume. Her heart leapt, always, Natsume was always her only kryptonite. It didn't stop her from loving him, even after four years of not seeing him, after the harsh words he gave her, her heart still yearned only him. Her eyes lit up, her hero, the man of her dreams were finally in sight, in front of her, so close yet so distant, cruel instances that are actually very common in the world. It was sad, she felt some love deserved to be alive, not unrequited.

_It's sad .. but not as sad as other things. _

She loved Natsume, it was obvious then and it was obvious now. Her heart called for him, he was strong, both physically and emotionally. But she knew Natsume was a confused puzzle, even he was trying to sort himself out, she saw his pained expression, his poker face couldn't portray it but his eyes – those breath taking velvet eyes, mirrored his heart, his soul was fragile, she saw right through him, he could've crumbled with the most slightest touch. She understood, her wasted love was indeed sad .. . but not as sad as other things. She had a different path laid out for her, her alice was of no use in battles as the academy decided years ago and just like that she was free of missions. There were other things that needed care, not her heart, she decided, it didn't matter to her that she could probably break, there was something always sadder in her eyes – Natsume. He was always carrying the weight of the world. If there was anything conspiracy theorists needed to worry about, he was part of it.

He was within reach, her arms lifted, a soft stroke on his cheek, light feathery contact, there was this ethereal beauty about him that she loved, he was special to her, she'd always put him first, he was on the highest pedestal in her heart shining and burning brighter than any multi platinum chandeliers. Her hands, one on his chest, feeling his uneven heartbeats, one on his face, it was wonderful, he leaned in to her touch. His head lowered on to her hand. She felt her eyes blurred with her tears, it was simply wonderful, she wasn't going to let him go.

* * *

Natsume was on the edge of sanity, it was madness, his mind was in utter chaos. Just like that, effortlessly, she was there, like a fallen angel, pale skin with forgiving eyes, looked up at him. She stood up, those eyes, it looked at him, she saw him, straight through him, he knew like no other could, she managed to stop his mind from going apeshit. He was so bloody lonely, so fucked up. He stopped thinking. He felt her hand reaching for his face, cupping his cheek, he breathed again, the air around him suddenly for once in his life did what it was suppose to do, exist for his survival, not to prick him like needles too cold for his skin. His head lowered to her hand, he loved how moments like these, in his weakest state, she was always able to save him. It wasn't enough though, he lowered his head, finding more ways of extracting her comfort, his head nestled on her shoulder, breathing in her scent, her hair tickled his face, it was nice, breathing was nice for once. She cried, clutching on to him, hanging on to him, the only one to actually hold him the way she did, who'd actually reach out for him was only her. The only one who'd probably indulge his very existence. His heart twisted, whether in agony or happiness, he didn't know, he couldn't understand, it was that weird feeling four years ago again, the one he couldn't fathom.

He decided tonight, he'd have his heart a little leverage; that he can loathe himself some other nights, just for tonight he thought, he'd surrender himself to her open arms. He decided to kiss her, his mouth trailed her ear, her cheek and found her lips. Soft and heavenly, just as he imagined them to be. Inviting and passionate - that he didn't expect, she kissed him hard, he was too gentle on her apparently, she reached up and twined her fingers in his messy bedroom hair. She was actually a temperamental wreck, just as messed up and lonely as he was, although she was always the type to just move forward and wear her heart on her sleeve type of soul, full of love and free. She was temperamental just as she was passionate, if it was anything, she'd needed this more than him. She kissed him hard on, biting his lower lip and licking his teeth, coy moves, he opened his eyes, not sure on what to do and in that one second of him opening his mouth, she grabbed the collar of his sweater and pulled him down for another kiss, her tongue entering his mouth. Those lips she yearned for, always in a tight line, he lost his playful grins and sarcastic smirks as they grew apart, she wondered why, it was such a shame, they were such glorious sights. She found his slithering tongue and delved in his taste, her heart doing somersaults, she screamed for him, for more, he groaned in to the kiss and she felt the vibrations, not from his mouth but from his chest, which made her realize that they were hugging each other too tight her breast was already up on his body. She pulled back but as soon as it happened Natsume breathed in just to get back down to suck on her tongue again. She moaned into it but pulled back, this time with enough endurance.

"We need to go somewhere." He immediately understood what she meant, they were both flustered, he definitely didn't know what he was doing with his hands but he messed up her hair pretty good he thought but it only fucking turned him on. Something feral aroused in him. Adrenaline was very hard for him to achieve with him being an assassin and all. He was pumped up and it was clearing his eyes, he never knew it was blurry, _magic_ .. he thought .. he lit up .._and_ _glasses .. she's really something_. It's been a while but he felt the sides of his lips tugging upwards. He offered her his hand, the cool night wasn't death cold now, they felt like pleasant wind, gentle breeze that danced along the trees, he felt them skimming through his hair. She looked cute flustered and hot. Of course she took his hand, he wanted her, she wanted him, it was simple, she'd followed him anywhere, it was an unsaid common sense that he brought her to his special star luxurious room instead of her one star room with neighboring dorm occupants. _That'd be silly, they'll hear._ She thought as she smiled to herself.

As soon as he unlocked his door, he kissed her hard with so much force she would've thought he punched her when she felt her harsh contact with the wall. He took off his jacket, their hands frantic all over each other, her hands in his hair, it tickled her every time he'd make a detour and kiss her neck before going back to her lips. His hands all over her dress, he'd look at her funny, it was different, he was that kid ten years ago that was forced to grow up, too young for the cold world, too mature for his age but that was it, he was with that same mind set even all these years, he didn't understand what it was that made him look at her funny. Of course she knew he loved her, who else would understand him, she smiled. Secrets and sides of him only she knew, sides of him that was for her eyes only. Tonight, she thought, she'd get him to grow up just a little bit, they were virgins but past those confusing teen years to know what pleasure or mating was. She only needed to look in his eyes and she knew he needed her just as she did.

They were helpless and in heat, by this time, they were making out in his bed. It was too much, their lips red and swollen from continuous contact. He liked the room dark, he realized he forgot to switched on the lights but his eyes adjusted pretty well and saw her form looking up at him, he was hovering her. Heavy breathing, _eyes the same colour as her hair, brown amber ish whatever rosewood_ ..he wasn't good at sexual innuendo or being a romantic but he knew it was god damn beautiful colour on a person.

He took off his pants and his other garments and let her stare at him from the bed.

"Mikan, sweetheart." He was pretty blunt about the situation, he wanted this. He was built, tall, lean, muscles covered in scars, pale with crimson eyes that glowed almost, beautifully contrasted with his jet black hair, his features were divine, he stood in front of her with all his glory. His features were majestic, better even, straight nose, sharp jawline, eyes hard and always mistakenly thought angry. Not to her, her breath hitched, he looked heavenly, his pale skin glowed in the moon lit dark room.

"Mikan, darling." He continued. "I want this, I need this, I'm sorry but _please_." His gaze bore into her eyes and she was delighted to hear those pleading words, shamelessly, he lifted herself on the bed.

"I feel a little left out." She pouted playfully. She wore a little sly smile and lifted her dress and threw it to the floor. Next was her bra, she was a C-cup, they were high and firm, the feral feeling in Natsume was there again, his arousal reached his peak and he went to the bed and hovered her again. She squealed as he hooked his fingers on either side of her panties and slid it slowly along her thighs and off it goes.

He slid the palm of his hand on her lady parts and felt her tense up at his touch. He slid his middle finger to rub her clit and she gasp at the sensation, she was growing wet and Natsume was a curious hormonal male specimen deprived of love. Intimacy was bound to be something he'd never do wrong, he'd never blow his chance at something he craved for. His head went down and his tongue darted, Mikan gasped and mumbled sweet nothings. He was simply curious but he loved what his tongue did to her. His finger was going at a steady pace for her, thrusting in and out while his lips sucked her clit. He continued and simply went faster, it wasn't hard, he only had to go faster. Mikan was in a ritual; _gasp, moan, jerk a bit, his name, spurt a little juice for him._ She screamed hard and his cock throbbed hard that it was fucking painful.

"Mikan, be ready for me." His eyes filled with lust and need. She stopped him when he tried to kiss her.

He barely felt her hand on his chest pushing him away, if it was anything, he was too strong, his muscles too hard and she was too delicate. His eyes looked into hers confused.

"Natsume, I'll let you take me." She tried to level her eyes with him, they were both naked and she could feel the heat of the Adonis above her waking her skin. " .. . but on one condition," she continued. He blinked in response. … _cute_, she thought. "You are not allowed to leave me, don't you go wandering off alone again, you are not allowed in any instances, to ever leave my side. Okay?"

He was silent, his mouth slightly opened. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. _Those words … I'd never even bloody imagine anyone – anyone to ever say it to me._ His head was back on her shoulder, nuzzling her neck, trying to drown himself in her hair, trying to burn his scent into her.

"Thank you, Mikan."

If he wasn't so turned on and in the midst of heat he would've wept in her arms. She was so inviting. Her petite body sprawled on his bed, hair disheveled, small lovely face showing off a very naughty grin, legs on either side of him, he could feel her curls tickling his soldier. He was big and he didn't want to hurt her. His hesitation ceased when he felt the wetness of her folds, her heat radiating and her moans. _Gods her moans … If there were such things as angels, they'd fucking sound like her .._ he thought. He kissed her a tender kiss before lowering himself. Her head tilted back as she felt the intrusion, _so much liquids.._ she thought, her face scrunched up in pain, his sweat and hers going into her eyes, she gasped as he broke her barrier. He was breathing hard and she looked him in the eyes again, panting still, he knew she wanted this too.

He pulled out a bit noticing the cherry coloured liquid covering his member, he entered again and went I bit by bit, forcing her to adjust to his size. The tight right of sex getting him crazy, mad crazy, the good kind. He bit his lip trying to focus on the pain of her scratches on his back, something to stop him from acting on lust and thrusting into her crazy. It'd be too early for her and it'd definitely be painful. Her gasps turned short and soft and she looked into his eyes again. There was no burn to the sensation of being stretched, just the pleasure of feeling her lover fill her inch-by-inch. Their scents colliding, her – of roses and vanilla and him – of cigarettes and gun powder.

"It's alright. It won't hurt as much anymore, the thickest part is in." He stayed inside her for a bit and felt her muscles relaxed.

"Move, Natsume. I'm okay now." She mouthed out between gasps and moans. Her eyes, she had those beautiful smiling eyes. He swore she was out of this world or something, it was a miracle, she was just that – his miracle. His light. _Fuck angels … Mikan .. is .. definitely .. better._ He groaned as he thrusted in to her as she mewled in delight. He made silent promises in his head, that whatever fate may bring him he'll go there, _for whatever fate, my darling, is you. Whatever the stars have always meant, it'll be of you. Whatever the moon will sing, it'll sing of you. I'll make you my world, my sweet, my darling. I'll think of you._

She heard them, her hearing was better than her eyesight at the moment. Squish. The sound of him penetrating her. She blushed hard, her face went hot. Schlick. There it is again. It was embarrassing but the erotic sounds were getting faster, Natsume was picking up pace, it was too slow for him, she knew he was trying to ease her pain. She was feeling it all, him inside her throbbing, aside from the sounds of their sex, she was very aware of the moans filling the humid room. With every schlick there was a following moan or groan, she wasn't sure which was hers. She just felt it too much, her insides, throbbing, for the first time, it was happening. It was pain. Pleasure. Pain. Pleasure. Pain. Mostly pleasure.

Natsume couldn't take it. He couldn't stand slow anymore, he lifted himself and went on his knees on the bed, grabbed one of her legs and lifted her so he can fuck her sideways, he went deeper and deeper and she screamed as he tilted his head back and continued pummeling her insides. She was so wet, so tight, her rings along his cock, he wanted more, he shoved his cock inside her cave far enough the pleasure was getting to his head, he was so lost in her. He growled feeling her soft caresses, she was so easy to dive into, the only fucking comfort he had, the only fucking piece of reality that made him human – that kept him sane. He leaned down with him still inside her, her leg bent and she mewled some more as it made him go deeper, he kissed her with every thrust.

"_I love you."_

"_Love_ you."

"Love _you_."

They went faster and faster, deeper and deeper. "Harder, Natsume. Please." Her hair all over the place, her body rocking from Natsume's powerful thrusts, she decided she liked riding him, she wasn't shy, she bloody screamed and moaned all she wanted. Natsume, grabbed both her legs and flipped her and positioned himself for smooth entrance, unfortunately it wasn't really smooth but the friction was incredible, they loved it rough, she screamed his name and he fucked her raw and hard doggy style. She was on the edge, on the verge of climax, her rings tightening, milking him for his own climax, she got wetter and it only made him thrust faster. _Faster. Faster. Faster. God damn. Natsume_. _Please_. "Aaaaaah." Her back arched into him as she lost herself in pleasure. His eyes concentrated on her, her every curve memorized, he didn't blink, he wanted to see her cum, he wanted her to feel good. He liked that she was begging, calling, urging _him to fuck her senseless_. He felt her convulsing his cock and he let out a guttural moan as she screamed his name as they finally climaxed together. Orgasm was fucking fantastic and he decided he'd be doing a lot of it now.

She got tired fast and was close to sleeping, he kissed his lovely lady and covered them with a blanket as he laid back on his side of the bed, he was tired himself but he's probably an idiot cause he still couldn't fathom what had happened, he laid there with a tired grin on his face looking out the window, he didn't fucking care if he didn't understand, the stars were still twinkling as they were supposed to, he had a lot to sort out but it sort of didn't matter, he understood that _Mikan and him were supposed to_, _Mikan_ was meant to be. Mikan existed for him. He was _breathing for her_. He'd figured everything else would sort itself out sooner or later.


End file.
